As a parent, you have an important role in helping your child recover from sexual abuse. Contrary to popular belief, sexual abuse is not a rare occurrence nor is it confined to any one social class, ethnic group or religious background.  It can occur in any family and it happens more than we would like to think.

You may wonder what are the special needs of my sexually abused child and will you be able to meet those needs.  What about you?  You are not only the parent but the secondary victim and your feelings are real and common in parents of child abuse victims.

The following information takes a brief look at the child sexual abuse’s definition, what your child may be feeling, how you can help and the feeling you may have as the parent/guardian.  This may be a difficult experience but there are many resources in our community to help through this crisis.

What Is Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse is any forced or tricked sexual contact by an adult or older child with a child. Usually the adult or older child is in a position of power or authority over the child. Physical force is generally not used, since there is usually a trusting relationship between the adult or older child and the child who is abused.

There are various types of sexual activity which may take place. It can include open mouth kissing, touching, fondling, manipulation of the genitals, anus or breasts with fingers, lips, tongue or with an object. It may include intercourse. Children may not have been touched themselves but may have been forced to perform sexual acts on an adult or older child. Sometimes children are forced or tricked into disrobing for photography or are made to have sexual contact with other children while adults watch.

Siblings who are aware of a brother or sister's victimization, but are not actually abused themselves, may also suffer many of the same effects as an abused child.  

Sexual Abuse - What Parents can do

Helping your child recover from abuse.

As a parent, your role is to help your child and yourself through this difficult experience.  Your role in helping your child recover is crucial.  They will need your ongoing support, belief and protection.  It will help if you try to:

Do’s and don’ts when you speak with your child
The most important message to get across to your child is that you do not blame them for the abuse

 Do:

Don’t:

Look after yourself
This is a very difficult time and you need to take care of yourself so that you can cope and be there to help your child. It may help if you:

Know your feelings are normal.  What are some of the feelings?

Loneliness:  Is one of the most common feelings for parents.  The feelings that your situation is one in a million; that this does not happen to other people; that no one will understand; no one will be able to help are all typical feelings.

Anger:  Anger at the offender for what he/she has done; at the child for letting the offender abuse him/her; at the child for telling you about the abuse.

Hurt: Hurt that someone you trusted could do this to your child; that your child told someone other than yourself.

Desperation & Confusion: Confusion as to what to do now for the child, yourself and family.  Wanting to confront offender; Knowing who to tell and knowing where to start.

These feelings are common in parents of child abuse victims.  You may ask yourself, “How did I not know?”  You may have been home or out, it would not have mattered.  If the offender is intent on abusing a child, they will find the time to do it.

Where to get help

Things to remember

 A Dozen Ways To Help

Educate yourself about sexual abuse/rape and the healing process.

If you have a basic idea of what your child is going through, it will help you to be supportive. Talk with other survivors and parents of survivors. Many are willing to share what has helped them, or can give you ideas on how to deal with a certain situation.

Believe your child.

Even if they sometimes doubt themselves, even if their memories are vague, even if what they tell you sounds too extreme, believe them. Children rarely make up stories of sexual abuse or rape. Let them know that you are open to hearing anything they wish to share, and that although it's painful and upsetting, you are willing to be in that painful place with them.

Validate the child’s feelings: their anger, pain, and fear.

These are natural, healthy responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be herd.

Join with the child in validating the damage.

All sexual abuse & rape is harmful. Even if it's not violent, overtly physical, or repeated, all abuse & rape has serious consequences. There is no positive or neutral experience of sexual abuse or rape.

Be clear that the abuse or rape was not the child’s fault.

No one asks to be abused or raped. The survivor did what they had to do to survive. It is always the fault of the perpetrator.

Don't sympathize with the abuser.

The child needs your absolute loyalty.

Express your compassion.

If you have feelings of outrage, compassion, pain for their pain, do share them. There is probably nothing more comforting than a genuine response. Don’t let your feelings overwhelm theirs.

Respect the time and space it takes to heal.

Healing is a slow process that can't be hurried.

Encourage the child to get support.

In addition to offering your own caring, help and encourage them to reach out to others. Get support for yourself. You will have many feeling about the abuse or rape also. Get support for yourself. You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for the survivor. 

Get help if the child is suicidal.

Most survivors are not suicidal, but sometimes the pain of the abuse or rape is so devastating that the child may want to kill themselves. If you suspect your child is suicidal, get help immediately.

Resist seeing the child as a victim.

Continue to see them as a strong, courageous person who is reclaiming their own life.

Accept that there will very likely be major changes in your relationship with the child as they heal.

They are changing, and as they do, you may need to change in response.

What Behaviors or Signs Might You See in a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused?

There is no one sign or behavior for absolute proof that sexual abuse has occurred, but it is often believed you should consider the possibility of sexual abuse when one or several of these signs or behaviors are present.

Physical Signs

Behavioral Signs

Additional Behavioral Signs in Pre-teens and Adolescents

 Who are the perpetrators of child sexual abuse?

The legal definitions of child sexual abuse usually require that the perpetrator be older than the victim. For example, in Maryland perpetrators must be at least four years older than their victims for the behavior to be considered child sexual abuse.

What can parents and caretakers do to help keep children safe?

Talk to your children about good touches and bad touches. Tell the child that if someone tries to touch his or her body and do things that make the child feel uncomfortable, he or she should say NO and tell you about it right away.

Let children know that they have the right to forbid others to touch their bodies in a bad way. Let them know that respect does not always mean doing what those in authority tell them to do. Do not tell them to do EVERYTHING the babysitter or group leader tells them to do.

Alert your children that perpetrators may use the Internet, and monitor your children's access to online websites.

Most importantly, provide a safe, caring environment so children feel able to talk freely about sexual abuse.

What should parents and caretakers do if they suspect abuse?

Produced by Community Advocates for Family & Youth.  The hosting of this website was made possible by the support by Office for Victims of Crime, U.S. Department of Justice.  Points of view in this document are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the official position or policies of the U. S. Department of Justice.