Resources for Parents of Survivors

Parents — There is help and support

As a parent, you have an important role in helping your child recover from sexual abuse. Contrary to popular belief, sexual abuse is not a rare occurrence nor is it confined to any one social class, ethnic group or religious background.  It can occur in any family and it happens more than we would like to think.

You may wonder what are the special needs of my sexually abused child and will you be able to meet those needs.  What about you?  You are not only the parent but the secondary victim and your feelings are real and common in parents of child abuse victims.

The following information takes a brief look at the child sexual abuse’s definition, what your child may be feeling, how you can help and the feeling you may have as the parent/guardian.  This may be a difficult experience but there are many resources in our community to help through this crisis.

Links to Topics:

What Is Child Sexual Abuse?
Sexual Abuse — What Parents can do
Do’s and don’ts when you speak with your child
Twelve Ways to Help

What Is Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse is any forced or tricked sexual contact by an adult or older child with a child. Usually the adult or older child is in a position of power or authority over the child. Physical force is generally not used, since there is usually a trusting relationship between the adult or older child and the child who is abused.

There are various types of sexual activity which may take place. They can include open mouth kissing, touching, fondling, manipulation of the genitals, anus or breasts with fingers, lips, tongue or with an object. It may include intercourse. Children may not have been touched themselves but may have been forced to perform sexual acts on an adult or older child. Sometimes children are forced or tricked into disrobing for photography or are made to have sexual contact with other children while adults watch.

Siblings who are aware of a brother or sister's victimization, but are not actually abused themselves, may also suffer many of the same effects as an abused child.

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 Sexual Abuse — What Parents can do

Helping your child recover from abuse:

As a parent, your role is to help your child and yourself through this difficult experience.  Your role in helping your child recover is crucial.  They will need your ongoing support, belief and protection.  It will help if you:

1. Spend time with your child
2. Accept that your child may be acting differently
3. Respect your child’s wishes and be sensitive to their emotional needs.

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 Do’s and don’ts when you speak with your child

Do:

1. Tell them you believe them
2. Reassure and support them
3. Tell them that you do not blame them
4. Tell them that you will try to keep them safe
5. Let them know that you love them
6. Let them know that you are glad that they told you
7. Give them time to talk at their own pace
8. Be open and clear
9. Allow your child to talk about how they feel
10. Try to be calm.

Do not:

1. Blame your child for what happened
2. Suggest that it would have been better if they had not told anyone
3. Tell your child that you blame yourself
4. Tell your child to forget it ever happened
5. Tell your child not to talk about it
6. Get upset when your child talks about the abuse.

The most important message to get across to your child is that you do not blame them for the abuse.

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Look after yourself

This is a very difficult time and you need to take care of yourself so that you can cope and be there to help your child. It may help if you:

1. Talk to a counselor, close friend or to other parents of children who have been sexually abused
2. Look after your health
3. Organize some time out for yourself.

Know your feelings are normal.  Some of the feelings include:

Loneliness

Loneliness is one of the most common feelings for parents.  The feelings that your situation is one in a million; that this does not happen to other people; that no one will understand; no one will be able to help are all typical feelings.

Anger

Anger at the offender for what he/she has done; at the child for letting the offender abuse him/her; at the child for telling you about the abuse.

Loneliness is one of the most common feelings for parents.  The feelings that your situation is one in a million; that this does not happen to other people; that no one will understand; no one will be able to help are all typical feelings.

Desperation and Confusion

Confusion as to what to do now for the child, yourself and family.  Wanting to confront offender; Knowing who to tell and knowing where to start.

These feelings are common in parents of child abuse victims.  You may ask yourself, “How did I not know?”  You may have been home or out, it would not have mattered.  If the offender is intent on abusing a child, they will find the time to do it.

Where to get help

1. Call Community Advocates for Family & Youth 301-390-4092
2. Speak with the Child Protection worker if involved with your family about support services
3. Call your local Department of Human Services office
4. Join Survivors are Free and Empowered (SAFE) for Parents — a  support group for parents of children who have been sexually abused
5. Contact a Legal Aid office
6. Visit your local community health center

Things to remember

1. You have a vital role in helping your child recover from sexual abuse.
2. You are not responsible for the abuse. The abuser is the only person responsible.
3. This is an extremely difficult time, so seek help and look after your needs as well as your child’s needs.

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 Twelve (or 18) Ways To Help

1. Educate yourself about sexual abuse/rape and the healing process.
1. If you have a basic idea of what your child is going through, it will help you to be supportive. Talk with other survivors and parents of survivors. Many are willing to share what has helped them, or can give you ideas on how to deal with a certain situation.
2. Believe your child.
1. Even if they sometimes doubt themselves, even if their memories are vague, even if what they tell you sounds too extreme, believe them. Children rarely make up stories of sexual abuse or rape. Let them know that you are open to hearing anything they wish to share, and that although it's painful and upsetting, you are willing to be in that painful place with them.
3. Validate the child’s feelings: their anger, pain, and fear.
1. These are natural, healthy responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be heard.
4. Join with the child in validating the damage.
1. All sexual abuse & rape is harmful. Even if it's not violent, overtly physical, or repeated, all abuse & rape has serious consequences. There is no positive or neutral experience of sexual abuse or rape.
5. Be clear that the abuse or rape was not the child’s fault.
1. No one asks to be abused or raped. The survivor did what they had to do to survive. It is always the fault of the perpetrator.
6. Don't sympathize with the abuser.
1. The child needs your absolute loyalty.
7. Express your compassion.
1. If you have feelings of outrage, compassion, pain for their pain, do share them. There is probably nothing more comforting than a genuine response. Don’t let your feelings overwhelm theirs.
8. Respect the time and space it takes to heal.
1. Healing is a slow process that can't be hurried.
9. Encourage the child to get support.
1. In addition to offering your own caring, help and encourage them to reach out to others. Get support for yourself. You will have many feeling about the abuse or rape also. Get support for yourself. You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for the survivor. 
10. Get help if the child is suicidal.
1. Most survivors are not suicidal, but sometimes the pain of the abuse or rape is so devastating that the child may want to kill themselves. If you suspect your child is suicidal, get help immediately.
11. Resist seeing the child as a victim.
1. Continue to see them as a strong, courageous person who is reclaiming their own life.
12. Accept that there will very likely be major changes in your relationship with the child as they heal.
1. They are changing, and as they do, you may need to change in response.
2. What Behaviors or Signs Might You See in a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused?
3. There is no one sign or behavior for absolute proof that sexual abuse has occurred, but it is often believed you should consider the possibility of sexual abuse when one or several of these signs or behaviors are present.
13. Physical Signs
1. Scratches, bruises, itching, rashes, cuts or injuries, especially in the genital area
2. Venereal disease
3. Blood or discharge in bedding or clothes, especially underwear
14. Behavioral Signs
1. Aggressive behavior towards younger children
2. Advanced sexual knowledge for the child's age
3. Seductive or "sexy" behavior towards adults or peers
4. Pseudo-mature behavior (for instance, a girl who is eight and dresses like a 12 year-old, wears makeup and generally acts "too old for her age," or a young boy who attempts to be his mother's "man" in every sense of the word)
5. Regressed behavior (for example, the child who has been toilet trained starts wetting the bed)
6. Excessive masturbation, masturbation in public places, difficulty with being re-focused to another behavior
7. Poor relationships with peers
8. Fear of a particular person, place or thing (for example, if the abuse occurred in the bathroom, the child may show fear in that room)
9. Sudden or extreme changes in behavior (for instance, a previously good student starts having trouble with school work, a child who was not sad before starts crying frequently or acting sad, or a formerly cooperative child acts defiantly or is uncooperative or unusually overly cooperative)
10. Eating disorders (overeats, undereats)
15. Additional Behavioral Signs in Pre-teens and Adolescents
1. Self-mutilation (the child may repeatedly pick at scabs, cut him/herself with a razor blade, bite his/her finger or arm, burn him/herself with a cigarette)
2. Threatening or attempting suicide
3. Using drugs or alcohol
4. Becoming promiscuous (a child is sexually active without discrimination, or just has that reputation)
5. Being prudish (the child avoids any sexuality, does not see him/herself as a sexual being in any way)
6. Prostitution
7. Fire-setting
8. Lying, stealing
9. Running away
10. Isolating self or dropping friends
11. Pre-occupation with death (the child may write poems about death, may ask a lot of questions about death, such as "What does it feel like and where do people go?")
12. Reference — Department of Veteran Affairs.
16. Who are the perpetrators of child sexual abuse?
1. The legal definitions of child sexual abuse usually require that the perpetrator be older than the victim. For example, in Maryland perpetrators must be at least four years older than their victims for the behavior to be considered child sexual abuse.
2. Most often, sexual abusers know the child they abuse but are not relatives. In fact, about 60% of perpetrators are nonrelative acquaintances, such as a friend of the family, babysitter, or neighbor.
3. About 30% of those who sexually abuse children are relatives of the child, such as fathers, uncles, or cousins.
4. Strangers are perpetrators in about 10% of child sexual abuse cases.
5. Men are found to be perpetrators in most cases, regardless of whether the victim is a boy or a girl. However, women are found to be perpetrators in about 14% of cases reported against boys and about 6% of cases reported against girls.
6. Child pornographers and other perpetrators who are strangers now also make contact with children using the Internet.
17. What can parents and caretakers do to help keep children safe?
1. Talk to your children about good touches and bad touches. Tell the child that if someone tries to touch his or her body and do things that make the child feel uncomfortable, he or she should say NO and tell you about it right away.
2. Let children know that they have the right to forbid others to touch their bodies in a bad way. Let them know that respect does not always mean doing what those in authority tell them to do. Do not tell them to do EVERYTHING the babysitter or group leader tells them to do.
3. Alert your children that perpetrators may use the Internet, and monitor your children's access to online websites.
4. Most importantly, provide a safe, caring environment so children feel able to talk freely about sexual abuse.
18. What should parents and caretakers do if they suspect abuse?
1. If a child says she or he has been abused, try to remain calm.
2. Reassure the child that what has happened is not his or her fault.
3. Seek a medical examination and psychological consultation immediately.
4. Know that children can recover from sexual abuse, particularly if they have the support of a caring, available parent.
5. Get help yourself. It is often very painful to acknowledge that your child has been sexually exploited. Parents can harm children further if they inappropriately minimize the abuse or if they harbor irrational fears related to the abuse. Therapy can help caretakers deal with their own feelings about the abuse so that they are able to provide support to their children.

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